ii. take a hike

After my unfortunate meeting with econ boy, it was onto bigger and better things. I was ready to put my disaster of a first meetup behind me and pray to the high heavens that the next boy I encountered was not as painfully boring as he was. They couldn’t all be that bad right? (Spoiler alert: I’ll later find out they are all horrible)

I began talking to Harambye in the early fall of 2016. He gets his name from his decision to attend Halloween parties dressed up as Harambe – how creative and totally not basic at all of him, I know.

We would text each other all day long until he finally worked up the courage to ask me out for coffee one night. To be fair, he fell right into my trap. I was complaining about how annoying my parents were being (university student living at home… my life is unfortunate) and how I couldn’t be in this house any longer. An hour later I found myself pulling up to the Starbucks down the street as per his request to meet for coffee there. I sat in my car convincing myself I wanted to go in and not flee the area like a little bitch. He was already sitting waiting for me at a table with his cup of coffee in his hands. Ok rude, don’t wait for me to get a drink I see how it is.

We sat and talked for hours until the coffee shop closed, and dare I say it, it felt like things were actually going well. Could this be possible? This is my life we’re talking about, something bad is destined to happen. We sat outside Starbucks talking for a little while longer before I made the decision to head out due to an early class the next morning. He walked me to my car which leads us to the most awkward encounter I’ve probably ever experienced. The date went well, but like let’s be real here, I’m not going to let you kiss me on the first date (Take note of this, things may change down the road because I’m weak). So he leans in and I start to panic not knowing what he’s about to go in for and because I’m just so charming I go in for a nice quick hug and spit out a real quick “Alright, well… bye!” and get into my car as if I was in a race with the Flash. Smooth. Real smooth.

By some miracle, Harambye asked me out on a second date that same night and we made arrangements to go see a movie later in the week. I spent the next few days just praying that he wasn’t going to be a basic bitch and try to pull some cheesy move throughout the movie. I decided to let him pick our seats, I feel like where they sit on a date says a lot about a person, and I swear with every step he climbed my eyes rolled more and more. Ah yes, the back row of the theater. Totally didn’t see that one coming at all. He played it cool and acted like he definitely didn’t come to the back row with the intention of getting freaky.

He made it about 20 minutes into the movie before murmuring “fuck it” and going in for the kill. Here I am thinking it’s going to just be a quick kiss so he can get the pressure over with. But boy was I wrong. This boy goes all in for our first kiss. Now might be a really good time to slip in that this wasn’t just our first kiss – it was my first kiss, like ever. All I can think about for the first like 5 minutes is where I do I put my god damn hands? Also, what the fuck why is his tongue in my mouth? Remove yourself from my mouth please (but like also don’t). By this point, the movie is halfway over and I remember that oh for the love of god there are other people around in the theater what the fuck are we doing? And why is his hand on my fucking boob no thank you I’d like to put a stop to this impromptu breast exam. Now felt like a really good time to put an end to this make-out and turn my attention back to the … ending credits of the movie? Tell me that I, a broke ass student, just wasted like 15 dollars to make out. I could have done this anywhere else for cheaper. As you do, we continued to make out in his car like the classy girl I am before calling it a night. Was it magical? Not one bit. But it was fun, so there’s that.

The third date rolls around and he suggests a nice fall hike and I’m a sucker for the opportunity to hold hands so I graciously accepted. Harambye offers to pick me up and then proceeds to say he doesn’t want to come to my house though so can we just meet somewhere and then he would drive us to our hiking trail. Hello? Brain? Where did you go? Where is the logic in this plan? I might as well just drive myself there and meet you, but whatever okay fine I’ll meet you in a random parking lot, ditch my car and we can waste your gas instead of mine. I’ll be the first one to say our greeting was awkward. Neither one of us knew if the other was going to go in for a kiss so I remained oblivious and kept my mouth to myself. It was halfway to our hike that I realized how painfully dull Harambye was. He was absolutely the worst with keeping a conversation going without turning it into something boring. It was bad enough that I was literally climbing a fucking mountain with him, seriously what was I thinking when I agreed to this? But by the time we reached the top I was ready to fling myself off and pray I could stick the landing in order to get out of this date.

The view at the top was so worth the climb if I just pretended like I didn’t have the world’s biggest buzz kill of a human being sitting by my side. I couldn’t get myself down the hill and back in his car faster if I tried. I decided halfway up the hill when he was telling me yet another story about his ex-girlfriend that this was definitely going to be the last time I was gracing him with my presence. One can only hear about the ex you’re not over so many times before you snap. Greatest accomplishment in life? Not pushing him off the top of the cliff while he ruined the beautiful view talking my ear off about his ex-girlfriend and his fear of commitment. Biggest regret in life? Not pushing him off the top of the cliff while he ruined the beautiful view talking my ear off about his ex-girlfriend and his fear of commitment.

It was safe to say we both got the idea there was not going to be a next time. Not quite sure what he was expecting from me when he told me to text him that night. Did you want to tell me more about your ex? No thanks, Harambye.

Take a hike.

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