iii. say that again

Sometimes, you come across people on tinder who make your day infinitely better with how dumb they can be. This was one of those days.

Because of who I am as a person (trash, I am trash), I sent a message to the group chat about this cute boy who had been talking to me on tinder (newsflash boys: girls will almost always talk about you in their group chats and it isn’t pretty). I got to talking about how cute he was and that he seemed genuinely interested in wanting to get to know me, however, that just raised my suspicions more. I damn well knew this was way too good to be true. Something had to be wrong here. He seemed too nice.

No one talks about how much they want a serious relationship with you the moment you say hi. That shit is just weird and no one likes it. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a guy who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say it, but don’t come on so strong maybe.

As we do, everyone was interested in this boy so screenshots were sent. And that was when my friend realized, hey I’m talking to that same guy, he does seem really nice! Red. Flag.

We got to talking about his opening line… it was the same for both of us. Weird, but he’s not the first guy who has an opening line that they’ve comprised to perfection as a result of many desperate lonely nights. I’ll look past this opening line business, even though I’m a special snowflake (high maintenance) and deserve better.

But it turns out that it wasn’t just his opening line that was the same. This man is sending us the exact same messages word per word. So, we decided we would have a little fun and fuck with him before I lost my god damn mind on him.

If he’s going to send us the same messages, we would do the same thing back. We waited for his next message and surprise surprise, it was the same. So we crafted a response that was seemingly natural to his question and send our identical messages at the same time. Tell me how this boy doesn’t realize he is having the same conversation AT THE SAME TIME with two different girls. Our messages were the same right down to the punctuation and this went on for hours. He was entirely oblivious and by this point, I’m convinced that he is the dumbest human being to grace this earth.

We had both had our fun by this point and decided to drop the ball on him. We sent the exact same message once again, with each other’s respective names in it. You do realize you have been having the same conversation, word per word with one of my best friends right? Did you really think you were that slick? His response – what… who’s your friend? Oh, I don’t know, maybe the other girl who has been saying the exact same things as I am.

As if I wasn’t already thoroughly entertained by his fuckboy ways, he decides to just surprise me. “Oh, well you both seem really cool and like maybe the three of us could hang out together one night? ;)” Hard no. I thought it couldn’t get worse than that and I clearly didn’t expect him to offer up his good-looking friend in order to balance out the numbers.

Trash. You are human trash, sir.

I don’t know what was worse. The fact that he hinted at wanting to have a foursome when I kindly turned down his threesome offer or the fact that my friend continued to talk to him after.

So here’s a tip if there are any guys out there looking for tinder inspirations, or a how-to. If you ever find yourself sending the same messages to more than one person and their replies are alarmingly similar, run. You are about to get roasted so hard you will wish you never even tried this in the first place.

I pity the fool.

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