v. the side hoe

Before I get into this one (and it’s a long one so stay tuned) there are a few things you should know. We will be referring to this one as the side hoe because that’s actually how things started out between us. Side hoe began messaging me when things were still going strong with the financial advisor and I never really gave him the time of day. I was dry with my replies – if I ever did come around to messaging him back. To be fair, he was the biggest fuckboy when things between us started, that he’s lucky I didn’t unmatch him at the beginning. His opening line was something along the lines of “you deserve food, massages, and orgasms in your life”. My response was about as dry as the Sahara Desert – “ok”. I should have known from that moment that this was going to be the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. When the financial advisor singlehandedly pulled off the smoothest ghosting I had ever seen to this day, I decided I would give side hoe the time of day and humor his messages. We were messaging constantly for days and dare I say it but he didn’t seem all that bad the more I got to know him. I slyly convinced him that enough is enough and for the love of god was he ever going to ask for my number or what? Messaging on tinder turned into late night texts, and he soon became my snapchat best friend (that’s how you know it’s real). He transitioned from someone who made me roll my eyes every time he said something to me, to someone I could actually see myself getting to know better over time.

He was a cutie and I was falling hard and fast as much as I hated to admit it. I’m the kind of person who always wants to be entertained and you bet I’ll start shit for the sake of my entertainment and he always dished it right back. He was fun. I had fun with him.

He finally asked me on a date and I couldn’t be any more excited. He wanted to take me on a proper date – pick me up, take me out to eat… the whole shebang. We settled on Thursday of that same week and I spent every moment of my day calculating how this would go. Something in me knew it would go well. He seemed different than the others. My friends just about put me under house arrest when they found out I was agreeing to let this stranger pick me up for our first date so we made other arrangements to meet at the restaurant. I showed up fashionably late with my perfectly crafted outfit and things just fell into place from that moment on.

I ordered a salad on our date and I don’t think I’ve ever regretted anything more in my life. I am not a salad girl, who was I kidding. I wanted the steak he was eating more than life itself. He turned me into a giggling pile of mush from the moment I laid eyes on him and I will forever hate myself for admitting that. I liked him. And then I liked him a lot more when he reached for the cheque. If there’s one thing that I, a broke student, love more than a good meal, it’s a free meal. Following dinner, he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee since the night was still young and I eagerly agreed. There was no part of me that was ready to head home quite yet. We went back and forth with him trying to convince me he would drive me down and me saying I would follow him before I finally agreed to just get in the car with him. Sorry, mom. Sorry, friends.

It was effortless. We were cracking jokes and making flirty remarks the entire way to the coffee shop. His hand on my knee felt just right. Everything was just right. How did I let him be the side hoe for so long? We sat and drank our coffee (that he paid for might I add) for hours on end. By the time I thought to check my phone I had 8 missed calls and 42 unread text messages. No need to send out the search party… yikes. The closer the night came to an end the more I dreaded having to leave. We even spent the last 20 minutes of our coffee date trying to determine the next time we could see each other, it was that good.

He drove me back to the restaurant after that and to my car where our night would come to an end. Do you remember that thing I said a while back about how I’m not one to kiss on a first date? Well, I threw that one out the window real fast with side hoe. And boy was it ever a good one. I’m ashamed to admit that we sat there in his car (classy, I know) making out for who knows how long. But it was different. Something about this felt like it was going to work out. Finally, I mustered up the willpower to call it a night before things went too far and we agreed that we would see each other on the weekend. One lingering kiss on the forehead and I was off.

We couldn’t wait until Sunday and I found myself sitting in a movie theater with him the following night. I have never been so confused and not understood what was happening in a movie more in my life, and it wasn’t for lack of trying. We literally kept it rated G the entire movie and he even sat in the middle of the theater. I legit did not understand the accountant whatsoever, and I’m a business student. I spent the majority of the movie analyzing his face like the fucking creep that I am. I was so smitten with him it hurt. I’d also be lying if I said we didn’t make out in his car after the movie like a bunch of horny teenagers. He was the kind of person who would be peppering my face with kisses at every red light and I was living for every moment of it.

Things just took off from there. We were finding ways to see each other in every spare moment we had. He conveniently was working on one of the buildings on campus so I would camp out there for just a few moments together. I was determined to make this one work. I liked him too much for my own good. I even let him play country music in the car… that’s how you know it’s real. I hate country music more than anything.

I’m not one to make reckless decisions, but something about him made me want to just do something really dumb, and that’s how we ended up alone at my house on a Tuesday when I should have been in class. He didn’t have work and I wanted to see him and lured him over with the promise that I would cook us breakfast. I got as far as getting the eggs out of the fridge before things took a turn. I couldn’t make it to the couch faster if I tried. For a boy who was alone with me for the first time, I’d have to say he did an amazing job at respecting boundaries. Everything was great and we took a break to actually eat some breakfast. I was all set to leave the house because my promise of cooking was long gone until he gently suggested I put on a scarf or something to cover the issue on my neck. I swear to god I have never come up with so many ways to kill someone so quickly in my entire life. Who the fuck leaves a hickey on someone’s neck and chest. Are we 15 years old?

Turtlenecks and scarves became a staple for the next week and a half. Helpful tip: get really good at colour correcting before you invite a boy over to your house alone. You’ll wish you were good at it when your mom spots the hickey on your neck for the first time when your father is in the room.

Oh, if only you saw the one on my boob.

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