ix. on again, off again

Getting myself back onto tinder after the breakup made me feel a mixture of emotions. I felt kind of weird putting myself back out there, but it was my one last fuck you I’m better without you to side hoe so I bit the bullet and did it one night. And boy, am I ever glad I got myself back out there because now I have so many entertaining stories to share with the world. I forgot in the short time I was with side hoe how tragically entertaining the tinder world could be, and how cute boys were. I feel like I had a new confidence going back into the dating world now. I wasn’t afraid to go after what I wanted and I wasn’t going to take anyone’s bullshit. I was fully equipped for this now. I felt different somehow. 

I matched with business boy and knew from the moment we started talking I was in too deep. He checked all the boxes for me. Cute, smart, funny, doing something with his life… it seemed too good to be true. We bonded over the fact that we both studied business in university, and that he had graduated and was working at a well-established accounting firm and I had a lady boner just thinking about it. The conversation was really natural between us and I was pleasantly surprised to know that it was quite late at night and he had still not made any fuckboy passes at me. It was effortless flirting with him – we would joke about him attending my classes with me because he missed napping in lecture. We made “plans” to have him help me study and I knew damn well that if he was anywhere near me I wouldn’t have an ounce of self-control. We talked late into the night, both agreeing we wold regret this in the morning when I was in class and he was at work.

We were talking for days and I don’t even know when or how it went from super casual to lust filled but it happened. He had been trying to get me to agree to come over to his place since his roommate was gone one Friday night and I was doing everything I could to summon the last bit of willpower I had left in me and say no. I had a midterm the next morning and I knew I didn’t want to jeopardize my mark in a class for some boy I barely knew. Even if he was incredibly hot and everything I was looking for at the moment.

We were talking late one night asking each other questions and it somehow got onto the topic of things we were into. I could tell just based on some of the things he was saying he was an ass guy and couldn’t help but find it funny. Discussions about anal have become a running joke between myself and my friends due to an unfortunate story we heard about an old classmate and the fact that he was most definitely into that made me laugh uncontrollably.

We got to talking about what it was that we were looking for on here, and I knew I didn’t really want to hear his answer to my question. He was looking for something casual and fun, nothing too serious at the moment, and I was looking for… well, the complete opposite of that. If I was smart I would have backed out right there when he gave me an out, but stupid me said some bullshit about not wanting anything serious. Looking back on it, I only have myself to blame for the turn of events that took place over the next few days.

Immediately following our discussion about what we wanted from eachother, he informed me that his roomate would be out tomorrow night and if I was down for it, he would really like to have me over. I fully well knew what his intentions were but somehow couldn’t stop myself from agreeing to it. I wasn’t this girl who just went over to some guys place to hook up and I didn’t know where any of this was coming from.

He then initiated a conversation about and I quote, “the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done” and would be disappointed to hear that my sex repertoire was pretty empty, aside from the car incidents with side hoe. Business boy then proceeded to tell me the story of the time he hooked up with his old high school teacher at a bar and the whole time I think my eyes were going to fall out of my face. That was the kind of freaky ass shit that happens in movies, not real life. Who the fuck hooks up with an old teacher. This is some pretty little liars bullshit. I later made a not really joke about how there would be no anal in our future, to which he replied with, and I really wish this was a joke, “ok, have you ever had your ass licked?”. I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just ask??! It was so painfully casual too as if he was asking my favourite colour. No, I have most certainly not… like is that a hobby of yours? ass licking. (for the record, yeah, it was something he used to do all the time with his ex, but y’know, only if I was into it. Spoiler alert, I’m not.)

The morning of the day we agreed to meet up he dropped a bomb on me. He informed me that he was in an on again off again relationship, and didn’t want me to get hurt if I found out after anything happened between us. A rational human being would have ghosted right then and there. But I am not rational. I was stupid. So very stupid. I told my friends I wouldn’t meet him, and to be fair for the majority of the day I wasn’t going to do it, but decided to throw caution to the wind. What was the worst that could happen?

So we decided to continue with our plan for me to visit that night and holy mother of god what was I even doing. No one knew I was going, and looking back on it now, it was probably really stupid of me to go to some guys apartment who I barely knew to hook up but here we are. I’m still alive so really, that’s all that matters here. I wasn’t entirely stupid, though. He stuck with my wishes of not having sex and it was essentially just two people fooling around but damn, was it ever good. For the record, Business boy: 1, Side hoe: 0.

I regretted it a lot the next day. But I still to this day don’t think I know what bothered me the most. Was it the fact that I knew the minute my friends found out they would lose their absolute mind on me? Was it the fact that it was incredibly scandalous and something I had never done before? Was it the fact that there was a possibility he would get back with his ex and I would feel so bad for being in the middle of that? Who knows. But one thing is for sure, I did manage to grow a pair and call off our casual agreement.

The hookup scene is not my cup of tea. You need a lot of self-control for that shit, and you certainly need to be prepared to get asked some weird shit, and I don’t think I’m there yet. For now, I’ll stick to trying to find Mr. Right.

One day, I’m going to find someone who likes me as much as business boy likes ass licking.

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