3 months. 3 months was all it took for me to stupidly fall for his boyish charm, his constant willingness to cuddle, his kisses that had the ability to make me weak in the knees. 3 months was all it took for me to question my values, to seriously consider if he could be the one. If I was ready to take the plunge and give my all to him. 3 months is all it took for me to see his true colours. 3 months was all it took for me to fall in love and have my heart broken into a million pieces.
He took me on our first date to Kelsey’s and I was so nervous that I ordered a salad. He made me a goddamn nervous wreck. Car rides with him should have been unbearable. He played his country music loud and proud for god’s sake. But I loved it so much that it even became a preset in my own car. He had this power over me where every second of every day I just wanted to be with him.
I wanted to go out to eat with him and watch him pick out the item on the menu that offered him the most meat. I wanted to always sit across from him in a booth and have his feet resting on either side of my knees. I wanted to look down and see his stupid destroyed shoes taunting me and begging me to be replaced by a new pair. I wanted to lay in his car with him for hours as the windows fogged up. I wanted to just be there with each other, all alone and making out like crazy teenagers who couldn’t get their hands off of each other. I wanted to be a part of all the future milestones we could have gone through. I wanted this to last.
I didn’t want to be mad at him. I didn’t want to have plans canceled on me because I wouldn’t have sex. I didn’t want my hurt feelings to be ignored and treated as a joke. I didn’t want to give him another chance. A chance where he asked me to meet my parents to prove to me that he was in this for real. I wanted skating around in circles with him for hours on end to never end. I wanted to slip and fall so he would rush to catch me in his arms every time as I was falling. I didn’t want to fall for him as hard as I did, only to not be caught when it mattered the most. I didn’t want to fall flat on my face and have it all ripped away from me. I never wanted this to happen.
I wanted new years eve to last forever. I wanted to watch him try so hard to impress my friends for hours. I wanted to sit and eat burgers in our underwear with him on the couch of our hotel room indefinitely. I wanted to lay in bed with him, wrapped up in his arms until the end of time. I wanted to feel his lips on my forehead, and my cheeks when he thought I was still asleep. I wanted to be as close as humanly possible to him.
I didn’t want him to be drunk out of his mind when he told me he loved me for the first time. I wanted to be able to replay that moment forever. I wanted to take back telling him I loved him too. I want to take back telling him that he was the best thing to happen to me in 2016 and the one thing I was the most excited for in 2017. I want to take back kissing him at midnight. I want to take back helping him get in bed because he was so sleepy and drunk. I want to take back the feeling I got when I rolled over and saw him sleeping so peacefully. I want to take back how warm I felt when he put the blankets he had stolen from me back over me when he thought I was asleep. I want to take back fighting for him to be in my life when he shut me out that same day. I want to never open my phone to see a text message calling it all off because he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.
I want to forget he ever existed. I want to stop wondering how he’s doing now that I’m gone. I want to stop wishing he would check in and see that I’m doing quite alright without him. I want him to realize that I have found so many people who will go to hell and back to protect me and care for me.
I want to look back on this the next time I’m hurt and remind myself that there are people who care enough to be there for me with ice cream and chocolates and tissues. I want to remember that there are people who wouldn’t hesitate to show up at my doorstep the moment I show signs of being an emotional wreck with a carton of eggs and devious smiles. I want to remember that things will always start to look up the moment you stop trying to hold on to what was broken.
I want to remember that no matter what happens, I’m going to be just fine.