xi. just a dash of spice

Sometimes, tinder brings someone into your life that really helps you out.

Take matching with paragraphs for example. Paragraphs was a seemingly sweet boy who’s bio stated that he had been persuaded by friends to make an account after his last relationship ended and was interested in talking to someone to see where things go. He gets his name from his apparent need to send messages in the form of unnecessary, long-winded paragraphs. Don’t get me wrong, being able to have a good conversation with someone is really important, but does it always have to be deep and thought provoking? I don’t really need to know about the time you choked on a grape as a kid, thus leading you to view life as a social construct and now you have a phobia of raisins, which has negatively impacted your relationship with your grandparents as a result. Just tell me you had grapes with your lunch. It isn’t always necessary to ask about my innermost secrets and am I happy with my life? It’s thanks to paragraphs that I realized that as much as I don’t want a fuckboy, I need a fuckboy.

I think part of me wanted someone who would ask these questions – to finally show some kind of interest in my life and my background. At first it was nice, but eventually talking to paragraphs felt like a chore and the spark was never there. Nevertheless, I have him the benefit of the doubt. He was honest with me from the start about just getting out of a very serious relationship, (well, as serious as a high school fling can be) and wanted to take his time to get to know someone. Given my track record, I thought this wouldn’t be a bad idea for me to do too.

Somewhere along the line, I realized that there was something missing from this boy that I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It wasn’t until a friend pointed it out that I realized I had a type. As much as I hate to admit it, I needed a little bit of fuckboy in my life to keep things fun and exciting.

Paragraphs was a sweet boy, but he was almost too sweet. And I know what you’re thinking – you complete idiot, why do you want something to be wrong with him? But here me out here… if he never does anything wrong, and is always cookie cutter perfect, where is the fun and excitement? I’m a feisty person by nature, I like to start harmless shit sometimes for my own personal entertainment. What good is it if you can’t joke around with someone. Also, he was the worst at flirting, and now that I look back on it (spoiler alert) I don’t know if it’s because he wasn’t interested or he just didn’t do things like that.

Despite this, I decided to give him a try. He was a nice boy and I wasn’t going to let my stupid need for him to be a dick stop me from getting to know him.

He asked me if I would be interested in meeting up one day and I was more excited than I thought I would be to be going out on a date with him. There was a downside to his whole master plan though – the day he asked to meet up was a Tuesday. Not just any Tuesday, but February 14th. Valentine’s day.

Going out on a first date? Terrifying. Going out on a first date on Valentine’s day? Kill me now. Meeting someone for the first time on the most “romantic” day of the year was not on the top of my to-do list if I’m being honest. There’s already too much pressure involved with meeting a complete stranger you met online for a date… I didn’t need this. But I’m a sucker for a cute boy and a date (and coffee), so I went.

If you asked me, the date went well. He was as charming and sweet in person as he was through text and I was really enjoying my time with him. He brought out a slight dash of cocky boy in person and it was the little push I needed to consider giving him the time of day.

We sat there in our booth for hours just talking about anything and everything and it was actually really nice. He talked about his family and school and to my disapproval, his ex-girlfriend (who by the way, you could clearly see from the way he spoke about her, he was not over). Despite all of this, silly little me thought this date was going well. He was cute and flirty and it was Valentine’s day for goodness sake.

I think I just so desperately wanted things to go well that I ignored all of the very clear warning signs that he displayed. No boy who’s ready to date again would put a paragraph devoted to their ex-girlfriend and their breakup in their tinder bio. If so, I was clearly missing the memo because mine sure as hell doesn’t say “my ex dumped me because he’s trash and mistook me for a prostitute since all he wanted to do was sleep with me” but I’m not bitter.

Anyways, the night went well and we decided to head out since he had a long drive back home and it was getting late. He then grabbed my arm and started talking about how he had a great time tonight and he loved getting to know me but.. (and there’s always a but with the boys I find) he just didn’t really feel a connection, y’know? excuse me? I was the one giving you the chance here… I’m the one that’s not supposed to like you. Who do you think you are telling me there was no connection. This is my job.

So here’s to you paragraphs. The boy who bored me to death via text so bad that I realized I needed a fuckboy to stay sane. The boy who told me that there was no connection because he spent the whole time talking about his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him when she went off to school. The boy who reminded me that Valentine’s day is still the worst even when you have a date with someone.

But please, do everyone a favour and get yourself off tinder until you’re over your ex.

Also, word to the wise if there are any boys out there reading this. When you tell a girl you don’t like her, don’t bother asking if she wants to be your friend. Because I can assure you she doesn’t want anything to do with you.

I hope you find that connection you’re looking for in hell, yknow?

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