v. the side hoe

Before I get into this one (and it’s a long one so stay tuned) there are a few things you should know. We will be referring to this one as the side hoe because that’s actually how things started out between us. Side hoe began messaging me when things were still going strong with the financial advisor and I never really gave him the time of day. I was dry with my replies – if I ever did come around to messaging him back. To be fair, he was the biggest fuckboy when things between us started, that he’s lucky I didn’t unmatch him at the beginning. His opening line was something along the lines of “you deserve food, massages, and orgasms in your life”. My response was about as dry as the Sahara Desert – “ok”. I should have known from that moment that this was going to be the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life.  Continue reading “v. the side hoe”

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iv. conflict of interest

I’m not even going to lie here – I had faith in this one. I really did. But to be fair, we didn’t meet on tinder. This one goes back about a year and a half.

I had a meeting at the bank one day with my parents to settle some finance related issues for school. It was the first time I actually had to meet with a financial advisor, so naturally, they gave me the new guy. It was love at first sight… with my parents in the room. Lovely. He was charming and funny and I had planned out our entire wedding and named our three kids before he could even sit me down in his office. From that day forward, I would find any excuse in the books to need to go to the bank and see my financial advisor. I wanted this one, and I wanted it bad. Meetings with him went from super professional to talking about our FOB grandparents and our school and common interests. I was smitten, and call me crazy, but I started to get the feeling that he was too.

My frequent bank meetings went on for approximately a year and I feared making a move because I knew that if this blew up I could never see him again and I wasn’t ready for that.  Continue reading “iv. conflict of interest”

iii. say that again

Sometimes, you come across people on tinder who make your day infinitely better with how dumb they can be. This was one of those days.

Because of who I am as a person (trash, I am trash), I sent a message to the group chat about this cute boy who had been talking to me on tinder (newsflash boys: girls will almost always talk about you in their group chats and it isn’t pretty). I got to talking about how cute he was and that he seemed genuinely interested in wanting to get to know me, however, that just raised my suspicions more. I damn well knew this was way too good to be true. Something had to be wrong here. He seemed too nice. Continue reading “iii. say that again”

ii. take a hike

After my unfortunate meeting with econ boy, it was onto bigger and better things. I was ready to put my disaster of a first meetup behind me and pray to the high heavens that the next boy I encountered was not as painfully boring as he was. They couldn’t all be that bad right? (Spoiler alert: I’ll later find out they are all horrible)

I began talking to Harambye in the early fall of 2016. He gets his name from his decision to attend Halloween parties dressed up as Harambe – how creative and totally not basic at all of him, I know. Continue reading “ii. take a hike”

i. tutoring gone wrong

My first ever Tinder meetup was a whirlwind of emotions for me.

There are a few things you should learn about me before we get into the story. First of all, as witty and charming as I may project myself via text, I’m a trembling, scared chihuahua when it comes to meeting someone in person for the first time. Second, I have a tendency to get overly excited, and thus prematurely attached to someone I barely even know.

With that being said, I feel we can continue on with the story of my first breakthrough into the wonderful world of tinder meetups.  Continue reading “i. tutoring gone wrong”